please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
