I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
