I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
