my phone needs a breathalizer
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Randomize
