she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
