Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Randomize
