I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
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