never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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