I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
