I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize