I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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