All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i will never coherently bang her
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
