It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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