I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
