AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
