im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
