How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
