as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
