my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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