exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
