An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Let's paint friendship bongs
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
