Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize