i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
