I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
