Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
