hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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