You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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