my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
It was like getting head from an anaconda
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize