Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
What did we do last night that was yellow?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
