My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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