Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
vagina is talking i cant
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
