is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
