i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
