Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you will always have a special place in my vag
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
