Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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