You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
