there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
