I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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