you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
