I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Alive.
So much puke
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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