I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
