Dude my mom stole all your condoms
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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