Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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