So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
