dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I think people are normalizing furries
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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