After last night, I could never be a politician.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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