One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
even my farts smell like vagina
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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