The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
