I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
