They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
