The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just had sex on a roof
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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