I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
