I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
