I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
