You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
