I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
