Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
No stitches, just platelets and will power
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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