She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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