Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
