now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
there was a trapeze. enough said
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
