the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
