cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
