im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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