I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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