Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
