The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
