So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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