i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
