I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
